Quack Quack Quack

Well…I don’t wanna be a duck …
I don’t wanna be a chicken… ……
I kinda just wanna be me?
Quack Quack Quack Quack…

You know what sucks? Knowing just what you want, but not being able to get it just yet all because of stupid money. But there’s a bright side…something to work your ass off all year for…but I’m inpatient. lol I wanna go to school now.
now.
…now.
……now.

Granted that was a bit childish but I had to get it off my chest. I’m thinking maybe I’ll take a class or two at 4 C’s in art and get a portfolio started for real, so when next November rolls around I can actually be ready for the application process for MassArt. (I forgot about that whole portfolio thing. lol Then when I remembered and looked it up, the oldest a piece can be is a couple years….so yeah…whoops.)

Then I’m thinking I might look around for some classes in glass, metal, pottery, jewelry…whatever I can find….in the meantime to quench that thirst for more techniques, more mediums, more anything to add to my little collection of skills I have. Essentially, where I want to be job-wise, is a working artist. To dabble in all sorts of different mediums because, lets face it, I can get pretty bored or distracted with my crafts when I’m doing the same thing for too long. Although knitting isn’t one of them with all those different stitches, each row being something a little bit different from the last, and the yarn…oh the yarn…how each one is different with each project. I love it….
….but back to what I was talking about before. I want to stay on Cape and I want to be a part of it’s charm and that’s really not what I’m doing in food service. For now I don’t mind it, it’s work during the winter which can be pretty rough around here with so many places being seasonal, but ultimately I’d love nothing more than to hop around my little studio doing whatever comes to me and selling them in my little shop to all the tourists who are just dying to take a piece of the Cape home with them.
I love this place…I want to be a bigger part of it…I never want to leave.

Peace, Love and Popsicle Sticks.
<3 Lynnmarie

Random old poems

So I was wondering through some old posts in my myspace blog and found all these poems. They’re all from the winter of ‘06 but thought I should bring them out into the sunlight a little bit. I did a little editing to make them a bit more legible…whaddaya think?
<3 Lynnmarie

All I want is to be proven wrong
That the love inside
Still lives on.
——————————————————————

You act like I don’t know
But you know that I do,
I’m not as dumb as you think,
And you’re not as sweet as I knew…
_______________________________________
It hurts when you ignore me,
Pretend I’m not around,
I smile inside knowing,
I’ll be dreaming safe and sound,
Away to who you are,
When not acting mean,
All I wanted was a home comming,
But now I’m hardly seen.

To retreat to a drunken abyss,
Is only too easy,
It’s sad,
Why would I want to do something like that?
Rum may not make my skin bleed,
But like a sharp pin,
It’s only just as bad.

I do what I used to,
Only in different ways,
More socially acceptable,
For my older age,
Scars run so deep,
They’re hard to see,
Deeper they cut,
When you pretend not to love me.

——————————————————————-

Like a mindless spirit,
I tumble forward,
Increasing my strength,
If only to be shot down,
An unknown force,
Sooner losing than not,
Blistering endurance,
With a burning faith.

Where is the sight,
Yet to be shown,
By this force,
Still yet unknown,
Commonly this takes ground,
With suffering and sorrows,
And becomes world renowned.

Often times it is shown,
Through modern things,
So well known,
When will all these souls find,
The end to the sadness,
So well bound in mind.
—————————————————————————–
Always looking forward,
Always looking back,
That pain,
An aching in my chest,
Memories of you,
Flashing back,
Ready to attack,
Will you go away?
Will you take back,
Those stupid, fucking lines,
All those things you said,
Repeating in my head,
Put on that face,
“Mr. Niceguy” with the mask,
What you wanted,
I wanted to be,
It was never me,
Never me,
Now this is a lose/lose battle,
Where is that light?
Fill me with smoke,
So I can forget,
This winter so weak,
I’m the plant that blows,
In the snowy breeze,
Nothing to save me,
Keep me here,
Think too much,
Breath too little,
Just let it go,
Cut me with words,
I cut myself down,
Living with this,
Brings me my own personal hell,
All those promises,
Every single lie,
This empty pain in my chest,
Where that black and blue heart,
Used to reside.

Searchin’

So I’ve been searching around for a new job. I think I’m pretty much finished with this whole food service industry. Like my Dad said…I’ve conquered it, now it’s time for something else.

Lately the search has lead me to the hotel industry…for now. I’ll still work with people just not in a crazy, high stress, hunger-driven way. (Thank God) Basically I want something that I can come home afterwards and not be all hung up on it. I hate being stressed out because when I’m stressed, I know the kids are stressed, and that’s just not a fun time at all.

I’ve put in a couple applications around the area but today I went on a super hunt, scouring craigslist, cct online and even CapeCodToday.com. After writing a resume and emailing it to a place in Chatham, I came across this ad in the cct online. “B&B Assistants: Smiling/Must”. It just jumped right out at me and I called as soon as the kids went  down for their nap. I asked how I could apply, the woman took my information down and asked if we could set up an interview for Monday. Holler! ) I’m wicked pumped!!!

On a side note, I feel like I’m coming down with a cold…but it’s all good. Cold or no cold, bad morning or good morning….I see a light at the end of the tunnel and it’s a wicked pretty one.

Have a wonderful day!
<3 Lynnmarie

BWE

That, my friends, would stand for ***”Busiest and Best Week”. So far that’s exactly what this week has been and it’s been way too long since I’ve had one of those. )

We had an absolute blast.

Find a reason to smile every day because a whole day of frowning doesn’t burn as many calories.  hehe.

<3 Lynnmarie

***Having been informed that BBW was a category for some sort of fetish porn stuff I have changed the title to BWE….as in “Best Week Ever”. lol. Man oh man…seriously, I couldn’t even write half the stuff that happens in my life.

Night swimming…it’s a Cape thing.

So my dad and my brother Aaron worked on my car yesterday. They replaced the caliper and the rubber hoses on the brake lines…well, when they took it for a test drive one of the brake lines just shit the bed. Dad said it was the scariest thing ever all of a sudden not having any brakes. Good news? Up until that point he said the car drove like a dream. The clicking was gone, the shaking was gone….

Perfect.

At least that didn’t happen on the highway or in traffic or anything. I’ll count my blessings as they come. So now we have my dad’s friend Nate coming over today to replace the serpentine belt, belt tensioner AND the power steering pump. On top of that all the poor guy’s gotta look at the brake lines now. Frig A. I just hope that this 30%-40% chance of rain holds off.

As my day went on, work went well and I have, yet again, another letter to write, specifically to the people who rang up a $180 check and left me a whopping $14. People are amazing and they always seem to have more up their sleeves. It’s like, seriously? wtf? See my Letters to the World tab in just a little bit….maybe I should just start a new blog and make the link. Hmm…

I’d just like to end this with a little tip. Swimming at night is amazing. Who needs the crowded beach in the sun when you can have the whole beach to yourself at night? It’s faaaaaantasic….minus those pesky crabs that come a snippin’. lol

But in all seriousness, walking along and swimming in a private beach area (that looks like it’s been raked and de-seaweeded) is definitely making the cost of my dream house go up up up. Time to start making my millions now. Haha.

Appreciate the little things in life that no one else is awake to see.
<3 Lynnmarie

Decaf Coffee

…is just not for me. That’s what I had this morning and by now, which is 5:30pm, I’m more than ready to pass out. Back to the coffee maker I went and brewed up a nice pot of regular. Actually it’s that tastey coffee that I got in my swap package from Allison. Soooooooooo yummmmmmmy. I think I’ll need to find a place online where I can have it shipped to me because this is the best coffee I’ve had in a long long while.

I’ve been going over my plans and trying to figure out what it is I want to do for work. Every time I’ve landed on something involving creative arts something in my head screams…”no! You’ll NEVER make money doing that, it’s a bad idea…do something else!”. I have a feeling it’s my high school guidance counselor. lol. Anywho….I have a master plan…and it’ll take me a few years to get there but I finally have what I’ve been needing all along…a real-life dream.

1. Be debt free. (Working on this and getting there. So pumped! This month ends the payment on one credit card with 2 to go. Oh I’m so excited!)

2. Save all the money up for school and pay in full…no more loans. (This is what I should have done in the first place…but oh well…you live, you learn)

3. Apply to Mass Art. (Holler!) Hopefully I’ll be able to go for the glass making degree. If I can, I’ll find out if I can double major in metal smithing…if not…I’ll just go back and get my masters in it.

4. Have the kids in a preschool/daycare program on the days that I’d be in school.

5. Use public transportation and utilize that time for homework/knitting. ) (Always gotta fit knitting in there somewhere, lol)

6. Graduate, maybe find some work around here on the Cape or even create my own at-home studio and sell my handmade pieces around the area. There’s a huge market for locally made items and each piece would be as unique as the buyer.

7. Buy a home. Build a studio.

8. Learn to spin.

9. Last but not least, through all of this I want to be an inspiration and a role model for my children…no matter what I do…I want them to make them proud and encourage them to do whatever their hearts desire no matter what anyone else says or thinks.

Who wants to travel on the same road as everyone else? If there’s one thing living on the Cape has taught me, it’s to find an alternate route and navigate the backroads.

Be creative. Be happy. Smile all the time. Drink regular coffee at a normal time of day.

<3 Lynnmarie

Pancakes

The best part about having a couple days off in a row is that I’m able to wake up in the morning with the energy to put a little bit more effort into breakfast. Instead of oatmeal, cereal, eggs, peanut butter toast, ect, this morning I had the bright idea of making pancakes and it ended up working out just fine.

When I started cooking in middle school I was all about pancakes and french toast. Well, apparently I didn’t have the knack to make pancakes without burning them…every time. This continued this way for quite some time until today. Today I did not burn one single pancake. I think I figured out the tricks to pancake heaven.

* Heat up the pan first then turn the burner down to med-high.
* Every batch, turn the burner down just a little bit.
* Pour the batter in a spiral starting from the inside out. (Thank you Gramma J!!!!)
* Then shake the pan so all the batter spreads out evenly. (I think this was where my problems began)
* Cook on one side until the batter bubbles and forms a kind of skin-like thing. (I’m so technical Gordon Ramsey would tear me apart. haha)
* Then flip and cook on the other side until it’s brownish.

My old pancakes always turned out wicked burnt on the outside and uncooked on the inside. It was a mess. Every now and again there would be a good one…but it was no good having to make 2 batches of batter just to make 1 batch of well cooked pancakes….if you could call them that.

Anywho, pancakes aside, I’ve gotten the kids on some sort of schedule which has been awesome. I’m thinking of making a clock that has the different things to do throughout the day on it so they can see what’s going to happen next. Horray!

That and I’ve been thinking it’s about time for them to start daycare just a couple days a week. This would give me the flexibility to get some sort of job that has a reliable income and the kids would get out, play with others kids and start to get used to a school-like environment. I think that’d be awesome.

I was also thinking about taking some classes relatively soon. There’s a place that offers glassblowing which would just be amazing. I feel more drawn to the arts and trades rather than professional, office stuff. Granted, at this point I’m open to anything that doesn’t have to do with food service but ideally I’d love to have a job that consisted of creating and working with my hands in a more productive, less stressful way. ) Wish me luck.

<3 Lynnmarie

What a pick-me-up!

Last night’s sleep was just awful and waking up the way I did with Miss Aria pulling my hair out just didn’t make it any better. The morning was rough, nap time was worse and finally when I had the chance to close my eyes for 20 minutes I had a nightmare that just had no end in sight until I was woken up.

There I was feeling pretty bad for myself when the mailman came! I went outside to get the mail and there was this big package just waiting for me to run inside with it and tear it open. Seriously, that was the turning point in my day.

This package was from my swap partner Allison (aka AlaskanPurl on Rav) and it had the most wonderful felted purse inside. It has all my colors and just the most wonderful design. I am just SO super pumped! Thank you SO much Allison! ) Here are some pictures for you!!!

Isn’t that just awesome!?

OMG I love this bag so much! I’ve already moved all my stuff into it.

My son’s already helped me out with the candy. It’s delicious!

And this coffee gave me the biggest laugh ever. I’m probably going to save the bag after we’ve had it. lol!

I can’t wait for breakfast tomorrow. I’m totally having some of that jelly on my toast!

Thank you Allison!!!

<3 Lynnmarie

Time in the sun

After snagging about an hour outside to myself while the kids slept, I was able to read this book my Ma just picked up this week. (I swear, I started it today and I’m just about half way finished. It’s amazing.) It’s called Once Upon a Cow by Dr. Camilo Cruz

First off, the title alone caught my attention, you know, with cows being my favorite animals and all. I guess I’ve just needed a little bit of inspiration in my life to get me going again. While reading, I realized that I had let myself slip back into a way of thinking that I thought I had broken myself from. Making excuses, justifying and coping have made me super comfortable in my situation in life. In doing this I have been lying to myself. It kind of makes me a little bit sick thinking about it.

Essentially, the “cows” represent a false hope of security that we cling to. (Just keep in mind that I’m half way finished with it so far, I’m sure there’ll be a second post when I finish it….probably tonight at the rate I’m going). The excuses mean it’s my fault….but not really. The justification? Well, if only everyone were as lucky as I am. Annnnnd the coping. “I love being able to get out and talk to adults after being alone with children under 3 all day”.

To cut to the chase, I’m not doing what I want to be doing. I’m having a difficult time figuring out what it is that I want to do because I’ve allowed myself to get so wrapped up in what I’m doing right now in regards to work. I know I want to help other people. I want to help them find what they want, help them dream and do and see everything that they could ever want.

Silly Lindsay…you have that vessel in your hands.

I need to get over my fear of rejection.
I need to stop feeling so inadequate.
And I definitely need to stop being so afraid of success and getting what I want….and I think that’s my biggest problem, strangely enough.

Starting today, I’m starting over. I will not let myself down again.

More to come….
<3 Lindsay

Some mommy things I have to say…and say often

“Stop drinking the bathwater!”

“Don’t hit your sister with the broom!”

“I need you to stop climbing the bakers rack”

“Don’t shake Mr. Skittles! He doesn’t like that.” (that would be our fish)

“Just because you did it with the puppet doesn’t mean you didn’t do it.”

” Put away ‘the eyes’ now” (“the eyes” refer to the evil eye that Malachi makes)

“The grill is not a toy”

“Malachi, stop running over your sister.”

“What about something other than Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?”

” Can mommy plllllllllease read to you?”

” Come back here, you can’t run around the house naked.”

“Could we please leave the ___________ (insert random giant object here*) out of Aria’s crib…please…?” (*usually either the play tunnel, the oversized stuffed horse or the hockey net. Yes, he can lift those up over the side of the crib….no problem)

Me “Who’s a monkey?”
Mal “Oooo Oooo Ooo Ah Ah Ah!”

“Hey, don’t stuff Lambie in Mater! Give that back to her.”

“Look at all that pretty hair you’re getting!” (It seems to me that Miss Aria is getting a complex about her lack of hair. Poor thing. She walks around rubbing her head all the time now!)

“Oh yuck. We don’t eat crayons (markers, chalk, pens, colored pencils…).”

I hope this made you giggle. What else did you have to say to your toddlers?